For nine years I had what doctors called "unexplained infertility". They had no idea what was wrong, but clearly something was. I felt like a dud, a lemon. And we couldn't even fix whatever was wrong because we had no idea what it was. It was this awful combination of hope since I wasn't told "you can never have kids" and discouragement because how do you fix something when you don't know what's wrong? 

Every two weeks my hope would grow, "maybe this month we'll get pregnant" only to be let down time and time again. Infertility sucks. And that's just the physical battle. There's also the mental, spiritual and emotional battle of questioning Why is God letting this happen? and What now? and a thousand other questions and thoughts. But then there is perhaps the most difficult. The well-meaning but hurtful "advice" from others, "Stop trying so hard", "Once you stop thinking it will just happen" "Adopt and then you'll get pregnant." None of which are Scriptural, but unhelpful Christian culture sound bites. So it's encouraging to see this table of contents. 

I'm excited to read this book. It may be just the resource needed for friends going through infertility.

"The problem of infertility has reached epidemic levels in our society. It is projected that 40% of women currently 25 and younger will have difficulty conceiving a child or reaching a live birth.

Amanda Hope Haley had married David, the man of her dreams, and earned a master’s degree from Harvard. She and David purchased their first home and settled down to start a family. All her hopes and dreams were coming true according to plan—until the family didn’t happen.

After spending seven years begging God for a child, Amanda discovered that God gives only one hope: Jesus. Amanda having a baby wasn’t to be her happy ending. Finding wholeness by hoping only in God was her happy ending.

Using Amanda’s personal stories, and the stories of other women who have struggled to have children, Barren Among the Fruitful surrounds those women struggling with infertility or miscarriage with a sense of community while providing honest facts. It leads women from confusion to understanding. Each chapter is titled with a well-meaning, but sometimes thoughtless comments Amanda was offered during her seven-year struggle with infertility."

Read more here and you can buy it at these places.

Laura, the creator and host of Missional Women is married and has four kids, two of whom are adopted. Laura and her husband have been missionaries to college students for 11 years serving with Master Plan Ministries. Laura is the Women's Development Coordinator and has discipled over 150 girls, led over 30 Bible studies and speaks to college and women's groups. Laura has authored 5 books, including an award winning 12 week Bible Study on First Samuel, Beholding Him, Becoming Missional, Reach; How to Use Your Social Media Influence for the Glory of God, and A Devotional Journey through Judges, a devotional to accompany the free online Bible study at TheBookofJudges.com. You can find her on facebook,twitter, pinterest, youtube, instagram and her author site.

Leah works with Master Plan Ministries at Fort Lewis College in Durango, CO. Other than watching college students' lives change, she enjoys getting her mind blown by God and His Word, watching sci fi, baking cupcakes, and spending time with her hunky husband. 

When I think about our journey in ministry, I think about the mattress we bought when we were first married.  We NEEDED a new mattress and when my husband called from the store to say there was a really good deal on a king-sized one, I said, ‘No way!’ As in ‘NO WAY are we going to buy something that big!’ And then I went to the store and saw the amazing deal {70% off, I think} and also saw how my husband’s feet hung off the end of the full size mattress which was the only other option that we could afford.

So I said ‘yes’. 

The mattress came home and was shoved up a narrow staircase with the might of three men to our first loft-type bedroom.  One year later it was transported to the apartment on the other side. Then it was stored at my in-laws townhouse while we were on our first internship in Hungary.  It moved briefly to a neighbor’s and then came back to my in-laws when we returned from Hungary and lived with them to raise our initial missionary support. It made the journey in a U-haul to Florida where we lived for close to three years and was placed in storage in June of 2011 and was shipped to Newark, NJ until eventually it made its big sea voyage to Europe and finally Budapest where it resides happily today J

We really love that mattress AND we really love the calling God has placed on our lives. BUT, both the mattress and the calling were a surprise and we would probably not have picked something so large if we knew, then, the journey the mattress {or we} would take.

I had sensed the Lord’s calling on my own life in profound ways while I was still single and living states away from my future husband.  He had sensed something similar.  But, when we met, fell in love, and married that had all been surrendered as several things had broken and humbled each of us.  We only wanted to be faithful with each day and leave the future in the Lord’s hands.

Shortly after we were married we first heard about the amazing opportunities to work with public school students in Hungary.  I was teaching high school math and my husband was working at a bank, but there was something magical for both of us about this ministry.  I am the natural visionary, and as we lived the first couple years of our marriage, I kept being touched with the picture of how incredible it would be if we took the leap of faith and worked with the ministry there. I kept mentioning it to him and he was always open and excited. So mountains were moved and we went.

That year quickly confirmed that there was no other life work that could better fit Jared and I knew, before God, as his wife, I could not let him choose any other path.

We are now nine years into this journey and have moved eight times, had three children in three very different places, traveled back to Hungary for two summers and spent close to three years raising ministry support full-time until we eventually saw the dream of long-term ministry in Hungary fulfilled.  Through it all, I have been amazed to see how God has worked in us beyond our wildest dreams, mostly, to give us a life where we desperately need Him.

But, I have also struggled a great deal with my place in this journey.  I have ridden the waves of my own insecurities that have surfaced during our uprooting and with the deep changes that come with parenthood.

In my weakest moments, I doubt the Lord and am sure He could have chosen someone better to walk alongside this amazing man, who is my husband.

But the Lord, and my beloved, affirm me with assurances of this journey that are a lot like the purchase of that mattress.

First, it is ours (my husband and mine), not his, and I didn’t accidentally end up owning it with him. It is a little bent from that first traumatic move and scuffed from the subsequent ones, just like we are.  It has taken a beating from the little feet that find joy jumping up and down on it and our kids have certainly humbled and shaped us too. 

No matter what it has looked like, from the first days of our marriage, we have loved that mattress and our journey together.  It fits us perfectly, just like our calling.  And I remember that every fiber and step are a gift from our gracious God and that my beloved husband would NEVER want to share it with anyone but me.

The more we walk in ministry together, we embrace it as an adventure. There is tremendous provision and comfort, practically in things like our mattress. But when we travel (we are in the middle of three months of international travel) and don’t have our usual comforts, we press deeper into the Love that is holding us tight together as He carries us Home.

I am wife to a wonderful man, mama to three precious now-little-but-soon-will-not-be loves. Each born in a different place--two states including 2 states and 2 countries. I am a farm girl who found her heart in the city. I can now claim fluency in 3 languages :: English, Spanish & Hungarian.This combined with the all-too-true 'mommy brain' explains much regarding my mental state most days;) I am a sojourner longing for Home. Yet, in my messy and broken, I embrace the moments given with all I have. I am seeking, praying, and learning again and again that it is for His Glory I live. My prayer is that my little life would make much of Him! I write regularly at Abigail Alleman.

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When I think of a Great Commission marriage I think of a married couple spending their time sharing the gospel with others; a couple serving along side each other on a work project to help serve the needs of someone else, or leading a small group at their home for the spiritual growth of those at their church. Even though those are perfect examples of a marriage truly invested in eternal things God has been working in my heart to show me that investing in eternal things through marriage isn’t just when a couple is intentionally investing in others. For instance, when I am doing the laundry at home, does that have eternal value? Is doing one of my husband’s hobbies with him investing in the Great Commission?

When my husband and I were first married we had that normal adjustment period where we both had different habits or ways of doing things, laundry was one of them. My husband has a certain way he likes having his laundry folded, he isn’t demanding about it, but to him this specific way he folds his laundry is the most efficient way to have wrinkle free clothes. I knew this preference of his mattered to him so I began folding the clothes like he does. As I started doing this little thing for my husband he shared with me that it made him feel appreciated and loved and really showed him how much I valued the things that mattered to him.  This one simple act was building up our marriage.

 “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.” Romans 12:10. Living this verse out in your marriage has eternal value even if it looks like honoring your spouse’s preferences to laundry, or doing a hobby that they enjoy but you don’t.

An outward focused marriage (one that invests in sharing the gospel and discipling others) is strengthened when there is unity in your marriage inwardly (when it is just the two of you).  Here are a few other ways to build up your marriage inwardly:

1.      Go on a marriage retreat! Marriage retreats help you take some time away to sit down and work through struggles, or difficulties you may already be working through, it also helps refresh your time together and learn of new ways to invest in your time together once you return home.

2.      Set up a date time! Setting up time in advance to spend time together on a weekly basis is important. Set apart this time to just hang out and do something fun. Try not to talk about other commitments or talk about things that still need to be done but be intentional in learning more about each other and learning to just laugh. (Yes God does want you to have fun in your marriage!)

3.      Pray for your spouse! For me it helps to write out prayers on a prayer card so I can pull it out whenever I need it and be reminded of ways I can pray for my husband and our marriage. Try to be consistent and pray for your spouse daily.

4.      Initiate doing something special for your spouse! We all have different love languages and learning your spouses can help you learn how best to show your spouse love and affection. My husband feels most loved when I do something out of the blue to serve him, like making his favorite meal as a surprise for dinner. Get creative and be intentional to do something to show your spouse you love and appreciate them!

“And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” Colossians 3:17

Hope McCleary graduated from Mesa State College with a degree in Mass Communications. After graduating she spent two years working in local news at KKCO 11 News in Grand Junction, Co. She decided to give up her career in the media to share the message of Christ full-time. She joined full-time staff with Master Plan Ministries the summer of 2012 and got married to Forrest McCleary in September of 2012. Through her own personal ups and downs in college Hope has a heart for college women understand their worth as God’s daughters, to see them grow in their faith, to grow in the unique gifts God has given them, and to stand firm in their faith even with the pressures of the world all around them. Hope’s interests include world and local missions, photography, singing, playing guitar and writing music, reading, meeting new people, coffee, and hiking. 

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For nine years I had what doctors called "unexplained infertility". They had no idea what was wrong, but clearly something was. I felt like a dud, a lemon. And we couldn't even fix whatever was wrong because we had no idea what it was. It was this awful combination of hope since I wasn't told "you can never have kids" and discouragement because how do you fix something when you don't know what's wrong? 

Every two weeks my hope would grow, "maybe this month we'll get pregnant" only to be let down time and time again. Infertility sucks. And that's just the physical battle. There's also the mental, spiritual and emotional battle of questioning Why is God letting this happen? and What now? and a thousand other questions and thoughts. But then there is perhaps the most difficult. The well-meaning but hurtful "advice" from others, "Stop trying so hard", "Once you stop thinking it will just happen" "Adopt and then you'll get pregnant." None of which are Scriptural, but unhelpful Christian culture sound bites. So my dear friends who have never gone through infertility, please never say these things to someone going through infertility unless you want to give them a swift punch in the gut. 

But though I wasn't able to get pregnant for nine years, the Lord started our family through adoption after six of those years. He gave us the most amazing story of adoption (s) that gave me so many light bulb moments with the Lord. You can read the story here. And then as we were well into our third adoption (snowflake/embryo adoption, you can read about thathere), we got pregnant. The shock of all shocks. And then again. And again. So now we have four kids and another on the way. That's our story, not everyone's. God has a very specific, beautiful, unique plan for each person going through infertility. So having been infertile for nine years, below are three things that helped me. I don't claim to know it all and what helped me perhaps wont help everyone since we are all unique, but it certainly can't hurt to share my experience hoping it will encourage someone. 

3 things that helped me persevere through my season of infertility.

1. Yield. So often we hold our dreams and plans for our life so tight that we squish the life right out of it. Like a rose. When we grab it too tight, we destroy it's beauty and hurt ourselves on the thorns. Meekness is a picture of a wild horse, strong and independent, yielding to it's master. Meekness is what God desires from each of us no matter our circumstances.

In order to not only survive but thrive through a season of infertility it takes letting go of our perceived "rights" of how we want our life to look. Yielding takes trusting God is good and committed to our good for His glory. It takes trusting His way is better than ours and takes trusting He has a plan and this season hasn't caught Him off guard. 

Whether I liked it or not all those years, it was where God had me. When I yielded to His plan for my life instead of demanding my own way, I experienced peace, joy and contentment and God was glorified.
 
2. Be real with God. Sometimes when we are angry with God we give Him the silent treatment. Or think we can't or shouldn't talk to Him about what we are thinking and feeling. But really there is nothing better to do than to share your heart- your disappointments and frustrations with the Lord and let Him through His Word give comfort, perspective and rest. "This is my comfort in my affliction that your word has revived me." (Ps. 119:50) External circumstances wont give us the real kind of comfort and perspective we are looking for or need. So turn to the Lord and be real with your heart with Him. Saturate yourself with His Word to outweigh the noise and lies of your heart and hurtful advice of others.

3. Be thankful. You might think, "That's easy for you to say because you have kids now." And I do. But I have two of the most strong-willed kids you may have ever heard about. It's a different story now. It's easy to not be thankful for one of the most challenging seasons of life yet. It's easy to think that once everything is how you want it, then you'll be thankful, then you'll be content. But the reality is, if you can't give thanks now, you wont give thanks later. An uncontent heart is never content no matter the circumstances. Being thankful is the very thing we need to choose to do to guard our heart and mind.(Phil. 4:6-7)

If you've gone through infertility, what other things helped you persevere?

Laura, the creator and host of Missional Women is married and has four kids, two of whom are adopted. Laura and her husband have been missionaries to college students for 11 years serving with Master Plan Ministries. Laura is the Staff Women's Development Coordinator and has discipled over 150 girls, led over 30 Bible studies and speaks to college and women's groups. Laura has authored 5 books, including an award winning 12 week Bible Study on First Samuel, Beholding Him, Becoming Missional, Reach; How to Use Your Social Media Influence for the Glory of God, and A Devotional Journey through Judges, a devotional to accompany the free online Bible study at TheBookofJudges.com. You can find her on  facebook, twitter, pinterest, youtube, instagram and her author site.

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At 41, I honestly did not think I would ever get married.  Nearly a decade had passed since my last date. I chose to not worry about it though. If God wanted me to be a wife, then certainly he would send me a husband. 

In early 2008, I partnered with two other singles at my church to start a small group. Our focus was to serve – each month we would put feet to our faith in our community. Our group leader gave me a ride to our first event – we would help organize the monthly clothing drive at our church’s homeless ministry The Refuge.  On the way there, we chatted easily and laughed frequently.  Was there a spark?  “Lord, are you doing something here?” I thought. 

At The Refuge, I ran into an old friend, Elizabeth.  We had traveled together to Cuzco, Peru in 2004 as part of a team that distributed Evangelical literature in rural schools.  At the time, we had both been single gals, but Elizabeth now wore a beautiful ring on her left hand. 

“How is married life?”  I asked Elizabeth.  “So much has changed in your life.”  Elizabeth smiled, and then she said the words that God wanted to engrave on my heart. 

“Marriage is about serving my husband.” This was how Elizabeth’s spontaneous mini-sermon began.  She expounded on all that she had learned as a newlywed, and I took it all in. 

A few minutes later, the weekly service for the homeless began.  We sat on folding chairs under a white tent in a parking lot.  After some worship music, Pastor Jym invited us all to open our Bibles to Ephesians 5.  He’d been preaching through the book, and his topic today was marriage.  I am quite sure that my mouth must have fallen open.  The Holy Spirit had my full attention.

Two days later, that nice group leader invited me to join him on what he called “an outing.”  (Code word:  Date)  We exchanged vows a year later. 

From the beginning, God’s message to me was clear.  Marriage is not about me.  Marriage is another way that I am called to bring glory to God, and my marching orders came on the pavement right there at the refuge:  “Marriage is about serving my husband.” 

Some practical ways to serve and make sure that it’s not about me include
·         Praying for my husband daily
·         Extending grace to my husband, rather than judgment (or nagging)
·         Supporting my husband’s efforts to support our family in whatever way he asks me to
·         Loving my husband’s extended family and making them feel welcome in my home.
·         Encouraging my husband through purposeful verbal affirmation
·         Respecting my husband’s role as the leader of our family

I am so thankful that God placed Elizabeth in my path that day.  Looking back now, I see how God wanted me to understand from day one that marriage was not about me.  Jesus came to serve, and as His ambassador in my home, I am called to do the same.

Check out the rest of the Not About Me November Series

Lyli Dunbar loves teaching.  For 17 years, she mentored teenagers in the Christian school setting, and now she has serves as Associate Director of Curriculum at Trinity International University Florida. Lyli married her Prince Charming in her 40’s and has a heart for encouraging young couples and singles in God’s waiting room.  She enjoys road trips with her husband, connecting with women through Bible study, and reading way too many books. Lyli writes about life lessons and faith on herpersonal blog. You may also connect with her on Facebook,Twitter, and Pinterest.

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This summer my husband and I spent close to an entire month straight with family – no breaks! Maybe other people are used to doing that, but that has been the longest we’ve gone with being around people constantly. Just like any vacation, it wasn’t perfect, but we did have a lot of fun!! I think we both learned a lot about having successful (and more sane) family time, but I really saw how you can be missional during your family vacation as well. Granted, I didn’t do super well in all these areas. I could share countless stories of how I failed in every area, but for the sake of being concise (and for not being a Negative Nancy), I focused on things that I could do next time to make family time missional.

Are you familiar with the television show Extreme Makeover Home Edition?  One year, our church garnered inspiration from the premise of this reality program to create a unique Christmas Outreach called “Extreme Makeover: Christmas Edition.”  I signed up to help serve a family by decorating their home, purchasing presents for the children, and providing all the fixings for a holiday meal. Our group of volunteers spent the day at a home in our community, played with the kids, gave the parents a Bible, and shared the message of hope through Christ.  

That Christmas, I was still a single gal, but there was a handsome, mission-minded man on my team who became my husband a couple of years later. We learned from the beginning of our friendship that serving together was great fun and helped us to connect.  

Serving together requires planning.  Quarterly, we sit down with a calendar and schedule a day that we will intentionally break out of our normal routine and help someone in our community.

As a young girl, much of my mission in life was to get married and have kids. I was known by all my friends as the one who wanted to get married right after high school and then I joked about having twelve kids. Part of that has come true because I am married now, but I did not get married right after high school and so far I do not have twelve kids. It wasn’t really until I was in college that I began to see that God really does have a better plan for my life and I knew that He wants us to live on mission FOR HIM in all that we do, including one day in marriage. That doesn’t mean having dreams of marriage, kids, a good job, etc. is a bad thing to have. I’m so thankful that I had those dreams, but I’m also glad God taught me the importance of living on mission to glorify Him before I even met my future husband. Scott and I talked about ways we could live missionally together during our engagement and early in our marriage. For me I really wanted to live a life so focused on God that even our children could see that God was in every part of our lives, not just someone we talked about on Sundays.

Have you ever seen a marriage, family, neighbor, or church…divided? It’s a gruesome sight. Like a war with casualties lying around, limbless.

Often the result of divisions is a bloody mess. Still in retrospect, how many people really think they are the ones creating division? Often we won’t notice this type of war until after everything around us is dismembered.