Had an ah-ha moment this morning in my time with the Lord. A big one. One that I think He has been initiating me to get for many years now. And when I finally turned to Him with my questions and He helped me process, click, ah-ha!
I’ve heard it said that our emotions can be a lot like our pain receptors. When we touch a hot surface and it hurts, we know to pull our hand away. With our emotions, when we have a difficult or painful emotion it shows us where the hurt is so we can deal with it. The other day after an interaction with a friend I was feeling… hmmm… not sure I even know the word. I guess a bit discouraged with a hint of sadness and confusion. I knew it was because of them thinking I knew less than I really did. I didn’t want to think about it because I wasn’t sure if it was me being arrogant or if I was trying to get my approval from what others thought of me. And so, like I always do, I thought, “It doesn’t matter what they think” and I didn’t think about it any more. The feeling persisted and finally I thought to talk to God about it. Why does it take so long to think of that sometimes? Well, He is such a great Eye-opener and Encourager. He showed me that it is not arrogant to be known as we truly are. That it is healthy and right and displays His character. He wants to be known as He truly is too. Humility is being honest about who you truly are, no more, no less. God kept bringing example after example to my mind of how I have not spoken up and just let people believe something about me that wasn’t true. Mostly things about what I know and what I have done. I was literally shocked… how can someone value truth so much but yet value it so little when it comes to others believing what is true about me? I asked God why I am like this. I wondered, “Is it because I don’t want to come off as arrogant in correcting them?” or because, “I don’t want people to think that I am trying to one up them?” I think both of these things play into it but He showed me that ultimately I believe the lie that “It doesn’t matter.” So, ah-ha! The lie, exposed. Truth matters… no matter how little, no matter how seemingly insignificant, no matter who it’s about. Then He led me to think about Paul. In Phil. 3:5-7 he is telling people about himself, even good things. And because he did, the glory of Christ is more clearly seen in him saying “I count all things as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ.”(v.8) He had a lot, a lot of respect, a lot of knowledge, a lot to admire and he counted all of it as loss. How great that makes Christ look. It makes Him look more like He truly is. Worthy. Not only is speaking up about who we truly are healthy and good for relationships, it glorifies God. Oh Lord, I know You are going to provide me with many opportunities to trust You and walk by faith in this. Please help me not be afraid to speak up. Help me not shrink, afraid to offend someone or come off as arrogant. Oh Lord, help me value the truth about me more than my fears. Write on my heart that truth is worth it, that it matters.
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Like seeing the leaves change or my kiddos grow so fast, change is so beautiful, so exciting sometimes. But the process seems so unknown. And for me, who likes to have full understanding of how things will turn out, well, it just doesn't "feel" exciting. It makes me wish that my feelings and reality always lined up perfectly with each other. But since they don't I just have to keep telling my feelings the truth and wait for them to follow. "This is an exciting time we live in." I've been processing ministry momentum and how social media plays into it. And I've been seeing a bit of a change in my role as a ministry leader having three little ones and very capable staff. And then I hear that the Egypt revolution was started by facebook. Wow! A facebook group of 400,000 younger people (26% of the population) decided to riot, and take some action to see some changes. Then when the riots were on tv, and 300 young people died, the older generation stepped in, upset they had been passive for so long and left the young people to lead. Result: full blown revolution. Facebook created momentum to the point that when the government blocked facebook from the entire country, the revolution could not be stopped. I sense a shift taking place that is and will more so drastically shift ministry momentum, but I can't understand what it ultimately will look like and how to capitalize on it. Just as a green leaf cant fully understand what color it will end up by the end of the season. But I crave to know, to understand and walk in wisdom, capitalizing on social media for God's glory. I desire to better understand momentum and am pleading with God to give me the wisdom He promises to generously give to those that ask. I just heard on the radio someone talking about how they had questions about thier faith. They said they felt guilty and truly believed they were not suppose to have questions equating having questions with doubting. My heart broke. Having questions is BEAUTIFUL! It shows humility. And it is what God desires of us. He is the one that said "Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great unsearchable things you do not know." Jer. 33:3 If we dont ask questions, then He wont tell us the unsearchable. He told us to ask... to ask, seek and knock. There is no question too big for Him. Our questions will not stump Him, or offend Him. He delights in our pursuit of Him. The disciples went to Jesus and ASKED Him, why do you speak in parables? Great question! What was His response? Did He get mad and irritated at thier unbelief b/c they asked? No. He says "to you it has been granted to know the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven." Awesome! If we dont seek Him, pursue Him, ask Him, we will totally miss out. Miss out on knowing the unsearchable which transforms us from the inside out. Miss out on getting to have a deep, intimate relationship with God getting to hear Him speak to us. Miss out on having our hearts aligned to His.
Lets not miss out! Ask Away! Places to search for answers: www.everystudent.com www.eternityimpact.com At Asher’s (see blog post below) six month finalization we called the lady who has connected us with the birth mom to say thank you. She told us the birthmom had something coming up on her horizon that she would probably want to talk to us about. Two months later the birthmom called us and said she was so emabarrassed and pregnant again. She asked us if we were willing to adopt this baby as well. We of course were so excited! God was giving us Irish twins.
The birth mom invited us to the ultrasound and found out it was a boy. We decided to name him Uriah John. Uriah was one of David’s mighty men and is known to be a man of incredible honor and integrity and John is Austin’s dad’s name. When it was time for Uriah to arrive on the scene, I drove out to where he would be born while Austin stayed with Asher until the last minute. The night the birth mom went into labor Austin flew out. As I was waiting for his plane to arrive before I went to the airport, I was questioning if we really should name Uriah. It is such a unique name. I was asking God about it and what came on the tv was a documentary about the Hittites. They started talking about Uriah and how “it is one of the most redemptive stories in the Bible” Wow! What tv show talks about Uriah the Hittite? And the second after I was asking God if we really should name him that. Oh I love how great God is! Austin arrived at the airport and we drove to the hospital, Uriah was born 10 minutes later. The hospital stay, just as it was with Asher was wonderful. The birth mom was so gracious in letting us hold him and take care of him. I respect and admire her so much for being able to make such a loving, sacrifical decision. She had always wanted a boy but her circumstances were such that she didn’t want to bring anybody else into it. She chose to do what was best for the boys at her own hurt. Oh that we would be able to choose to sacrifically do whats in the best interest of another. Being pregnant and giving birth is extremely inconvient, but she choose to not bow to the idol of inconvience in aborting the babies and instead choose to give life. And how grateful we are!! Austin and I had been trying to have kids for 2 1/2 years to no avail. Along with many friends, we were praying that God would start our family. God was teaching me about taking my heart whole-heartedly before Him so I started telling God that I really wanted to start a family. I was praying for a little boy, Asher Steven. Then in November a lot of “coincidental” things started happening. Our alarm was set to the radio to wake us up, so we found ourselves waking up every morning to a story of adoption. Therefore most mornings in November we woke up in tears because of the touching story. Also in November, Austin spoke at a men’s retreat while the same time I spoke at a women’s retreat. Though these were separate retreats, we each had a special divine appointment with someone close to adoption. Austin spent some time with a guy who had been adopted while I spent time with a grandma of two girls who placed their babies for adoption. Both of these people were extremely supportive of adoption.
Austin and I had always wanted to adopt but we thought we would wait till we had a couple children biologically. Our hearts and minds were starting to think of the possibility of adopting now instead of later. The more we thought about it, the more excited we got. We decided to pick an agency and get information. Then we would decide if we would go forward or work with doctors. January 12th we went to the informational meeting with Bethany Christian Services. On January 13th we received a surprise email from a friend saying that she knew a lady who knew a girl who was pregnant and was considering placing the baby for adoption. She was wondering if we were interested. Of course we said YES! (Though we weren’t really expecting anything to happen) Two weeks later this friend of ours’ church had us come speak, which happened to be very close to were the birth mom lives! So we got to meet her and hear her story of why she wanted to place the baby for adoption. During this meeting she told us her husband was not really in agreement. So, driving home we were thinking that it would be neat but would’nt really happen. Two weeks later the birth dad calls us up and said that he thinks it really would be the best thing to do for the baby, but couldn’t imagine having it go through without meeting us. So we drove out to have lunch with the both of them (who Austin and I both like) and had a great conversation. The adoption was moving forward… we couldn’t believe it! During our conversation with them they had wondered about names, if we wanted their input on names. We already had names picked out so we were thinking through if we would be willing to change them. Then the birth mom says “if it is a girl, then I don’t care what you name her. But I had a brother who died when I was younger and if I ever had a boy I always wanted to name him Steven.” My mouth just dropped since I had been praying for little Asher Steven! (Asher is a Biblical name meaning Happy and Steven is my dad’s name). After our meeting with them, we had the “hard” meeting with the adoption agency. They had to drill it into our heads that there is a 5-10% chance that she could change her mind up to two weeks after he was born. This was the hardest day of the whole process which taught me so much about God’s love. I felt the fear of laying my heart out there only for it to be ripped away. But I realized that is what God does for us. And instead of a 5% chance of laying it out there and not being loved Him back, there is a 99% chance in some countries. But He laid down His everything… willing to face the reality that He wouldn’t be loved back. Later that day, the birth mom called asking if I wanted a crib and bassinette. This was like God’s gift to me. Reminding us she was very serious about us adopting. We got to go to two ultrasounds and see little Asher on TV. During that time the birth mom told us that she had told her two other little girls that “Austin and Laura can’t have babies of their own and God is letting me carry one for them” How awesome!! July 10th we all went in to the hospital for little Asher to be induced. Finally at 3:52pm I got to see my little baby boy enter the world. I got to be the first one to hold him while Austin came in and cut the umbillical chord. God worked it out that we got to stay in the hospital one night and across the street the next night and was able to go in the nursery to feed him. I am so grateful to the birth mom for letting me love and care for him those first days of his life. Austin and I have LOVED this journey and seen and understood God so much more through the process. “Thanks be to God, who put into the heart of Titus the same concern I have…” 2 Cor. 8:16 God is so good at this!!!
Monday nights I lead a bible study for the lady student leaders for the college ministry. I have to say it is one of the highlights of my week. We are going through Judges and I LOVE it! Each week God clearly leads all of us to some very clear action to take for that week. It is so exciting to see how what God is showing each lady fits together with what He is showing everyone else. Just like Paul and Titus' desires. About 3 weeks ago the topic of selling our possessions to give to those in need came up. Since then, God has brought this topic to my mind almost every day. Around the first time it stood out in Judges, I had some expenses related to the bible study I wrote (Beholding Him, Becoming Missional). But money made from the bible study I have decided to give to organizations that rescue girls from the sex trade. I was tempted to put bible study money toward my expenses, after all, it was related. But I didn’t want to get in a habit of doing that… so I asked God how else I could pay for these expenses. He put Acts 2:45 in my mind “They sold property and possessions to give to anyone in need.” Immediately I thought of a ring I had that I never wore and would never wear that I could get a lot of money for. I would have enough to pay off the expenses and then could give the rest away. I took the ring to get appraised and put the ring on craigslist, I had a burden for some friends of mine who are adopting and still need $5,000. How perfect! I could give money to them! A friend of mine had recommended reading the book Radical by David Platt (thinking it would be right up my alley… which it totally is! I love it!!). Well, I finally got around to reading it. And got to the chapter talking about, what do you know, selling possessions to give to those in need. I could not believe it! Not only has God bring that verse to my mind every day, but also reaffirmed what He was leading me to do though David Platt. In my times with the Lord I am reading 2 Corinthians and got to chapter 8 and 9, which talks about generous giving. I was again amazed at God’s affirming me. By this point, which was a couple days ago, I had been burdened to raise money for some other friends of mine who are adopting 3 teenage girls from Lithuania. After praying about how and asking some people on facebook, I thought it might be neat to start a Sell to Give facebook event, asking people sell things they really don’t need in order to give money away. I could give them some ideas of where to give, one being my friends who are adopting (still needing $28,000) others being Voice of the Martyrs, Women at Risk etc. Then I go to church and what does my incredible pastor talk about?! Yup, 2 Cor. 8 & 9 and Acts 2:45 and even specifically talked about selling things on craigslist to give to those in need. WOW!!! I started crying, so touched at God’s encouragement, His ability to lead and confirm and speak. Seriously… what an incredible God to make things so clear! I keep thinking of Shindler’s list where at the end the “guy” (sorry I am so vague… my memory and movies don’t mix) is seeing other things he could have sold for peoples lives. I want to sell, and sell big for the sake of giving to those in need b/c it results in life, and it results in displaying the glory of God. What a privilege to get to display our Kings heart! I cant wait to see what God does. A friend of mine is doing this with me and it makes it all the more fun. Will you join us? What can you sell to give my friend? So God has lead us to move closer to the campus in order to use our house more effectively for ministry to the students. Here’s the quick run down. We decided to follow Him, though it meant giving up our friends, family, neighbors (who are beyond description in their help and care for us), the safety and security of our neighborhood and the top school in the entire state that I automatically would be able to have our boys go to.
So we put our house on the market and it went under contract in 3 weeks. We kept looking for a place to move to but were unable to find a place within 5 min. from campus in our price range. We looked at house where the location, yard, square feet and floor plan were exactly what we needed for a ministry house, but it was WAY out of our price range. There was another house a bit closer to our price range that was one of the most beautiful houses I have ever seen on the inside, but was not perfect for ministry like the other house. Austin really really liked the other house, so I thought it couldn’t hurt to support Austin in moving forward to put an offer on it. It would take a miracle for them to accept our $50,000 less than the appraised value of the home offer. If they accepted, I would be incredibly grateful that we got another opportunity to brag on God. And if they didn’t, we could try to the other house. So we gave God an opportunity to show up. We offered them the most we could, our ridiculously low, unheard of low amount. The next day I went to the Deeper Still Conference (Beth Moore and Priscilla Shirer speaking) and there I was, listening to Priscilla speak about leaving God Margin. Basically surrendering all your resources to God and leaving room for Him to show up, not holding anything back ‘just in case’. We had given Him our all, and there we were waiting for Him to come through. So I was praying that the sellers would be willing to lay down their resources for God's glory (we found out they were believers who lead a bible study in their home). While Priscilla was speaking I got a text from Austin saying they were going over the offer right then. At the end of Priscilla’s talk, almost the entire stadium stood up declaring they wanted to lay their resources at Jesus' feet, I was overwhelmed. Other people’s risks absolutely do affect others around them, and I was overwhelmed thinking about wanting to be the recipient of the sellers laying their resources down, but not sure I could handle the incredible sacrifice they would have to make. Then Beth Moore started to speak. And not long into her talk about Blessing and how we are blessed, I got another text from Austin wanting me to call him. When I called, He told me they had accepted the offer!! They said we were an answer to their prayers b/c we wanted to use it for ministry and were a young family. Wow!!! The seller said that 2 weeks ago God told her that a man would be coming to buy the house and for her to sell it to him. So, she asked her realtor if she thought that was all we could offer (with our embarrassingly low amount) and the realtor told the seller she should counter offer. But the seller said, no, God told me they would buy it. There I was balling in the back of the stadium, overwhelmed that once again in my life (like He does over and over and over) set up a real life situation to experience Him... to see His glory worked out in my life, so I can brag about Him. I walked back to my seat when Beth was having people write down the definition of blessed "One pronounced blessed when God is present and involved in his life. The hand of God is at work directing all his affairs for a divine purpose, and thus, in a sense, such a person lives Coram Deo, before the face of God." As I told the people sitting around me (who had prayed for the situation after your talk) tears and laughter broke out on everyone's faces. God was showing them what this blessing tangibly looked like. God was showing them His power and His sovereignty and that He can and would come through when people trusted Him. Oh, I am still overwhelmed with gratitude of what God did and how He did it!!! And I just cant wait to meet this 80 something lady who is so willing to surrender her resources out of obedience to God. What a woman of faith! With our house under contract and closing in 20 days with no place to look forward to yet, it feels like all there is only sadness. Leaving friends and neighbors who care for us so well. Leaving the known, the beautiful and the safe all for the sake of seeing God be glorified in students lives. And if you know anything about college students, they are a beautiful challenge. They are at a place where they are becoming who they will be and making decisions that will affect them for the rest of thier lives. For many, college is the time when thier love for the Lord grows into passion and living for God's kingdom and glory becomes an obsesssion. But it is not all roses... it seems there is always some students who we to call to something greater than living for thier flesh and after investing many hours, even years into thier life, they can easily turn on you. This is what we are leaving beauty, saftey, being well cared for, convience, comfort and relationships for. For people who may turn on us at any given moment.
But then isnt that what Jesus did? He left heaven... its safety, beauty, comfort, ease, being well cared for-worshipped no less to live among people who would not only turn on Him but would slaughter Him. Apparently He thought it was worth it. "Truly I tell you, Jesus replied, no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age: homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields-along with persecutions-and in the age to come eternal life." Mk 10:29 So, I am encouraged to "joyfully accept the confiscation of your property because you knew that you yourselves had better and lasting possessions. So dont throw away your confidence, it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere...for in just a little while, he who is coming will come and will not delay." Heb. 10:32-37 And "I know that our present sufferings are not worthy to be compared with the glory that will be revealed in us." Rom. 8:18 "Therfore we do not lose heart...for our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Cor. 4:16 At the suggestion of a student I watched the movie First of May. It was about a little boy who at the age of 4 saw his father die in a car accident and for years was moved from foster home to foster home. A family finally wanted to adopt him but they got pregnant and he believed they wanted to send him away so he ends up running away. The only movie I have ever seen that was so depressing all the way through until the happy ending. Pretty waring on the emotions really.
But it exposed some of the fears I have related to this baby. It caused me to recognize my fear of my boys thinking I love this baby more because it is biological and how I never ever want them to think that. And it caused me to recognize how I value perfection over Redemption. Let me explain. I get ignorant comments quite often. They dont bother me that much because I tend to be a pretty gracious person. But, if my boys were to hear them, that is a whole different story. For instance, the other day when I told someone I was pregnant they said "bet you wish you would have waited." I was in shock... trying to figure out what else they could mean by that. The next day as I told someone else the person next to them excitedly said "with her own" (as if my boys arnt my own.) If my boys heard either of those, how can a little mind discern these people are just a bit ignorant? They cant, and that is how lies get set in a heart. And that freaks me out. What about when they hear the comment "so which one is the 'real' one. This made me want to control everything they ever heard. I thought, "I have to be with them every second, so when they hear these stupid comments I can help them recognize them as lies." But the reality is, I can not be with them every second. I have to trust God with them. God doesnt do things my way. If I had my way, everything would be perfect. There would be no pain, no suffering and no one would believe any lies. But He allows these awful things to show Himself as the great Redeemer. So, chances are my wonderful boys will believe lies and chances are I wont know what they are. But.... the hope is that God knows and He is using it for something greater. He will Redeem and even I will say that it was worth it. Oh Lord, please help me value Your Redemption more than perfection. Help me trust You with my boys. I am struck by the reality that pain and fear can easily deter us from what God has "called" us to do. And in the craziest way! It causes us to question what God really "called" us to, just like Satan did to Eve.
Ok, so I am writing a 12 week bible study on 1st Samuel (which I love doing) and one of the weeks talks about doing whats right no matter the cost. Which I believe is going to be more and more of a big deal in our culture as we prepare the way for the Lord. I believe it is going to get harder and harder to do what's right. (And did you know, a martyr is someone that dies for not only standing up for Christ but also for the Word of the Lord-doing what He says is right) And I just love how God uses real life examples to teach us His truth. That is totally what He is doing in my life right now. Austin and I heard about snowflake adoption (adopting an embryo that was made through other couples doing in-vitro fertilization. There are over 400,000 babies in freezers waiting to be adopted and only 200 people have adopted them.) about a year ago and saw God leading us to do it in the future. Well, now its the future and again we saw God showing us now was the time. Galatians 6:10 says "as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people..." and we believe God has given us "opportunity" to provide a womb for a baby to grow in... a home. We believe the right thing to do is to adopt a baby that was abandoned. So, we started the process. But then... how do I explain what happened. Well, after 3 Dr.'s appointments (each worse than the one before) Things came into perspective. It was going to be twice as much $ as we thought. And the drive to the Dr. was crazy far, and I was going to have to give myself shots (I Hate needles!!) everyday for 3 months! And the list goes on and on of inconveniences. But a couple of friends of mine are great at recognizing when we make an idol out of connivence. So, on my first drive home from the doctor, as I was crying and telling God I wasn't sure if I could do it. He reminded me that life was worth it... Life is worth the inconvenience. So, I determined not to bow to the idol of convenience. After Dr. appointment #2 and hearing about the 1 1/2" long needle that I would have to give myself everyday and not having coffee and having to be on bed rest for 2 days and not being able to lift my boys for 2 weeks, I really thought "God, for real, I really don't think I can do this" And then after Dr. appointment #3 where some tests didn't work and some even more invasive procedures were going to have to be done, I started questioning the "calling" and hoping and praying for God to give me some sign that He really wanted us to do this. How crazy! I actually turned to a mystical experience or circumstance when it got hard rather than trusting that God's Word and believing it was right and was enough. I Love God's Word and that is why it weirds me out that my default when things got hard, was to put my trust in mysticism and circumstances. Yuck! Why in the world does it seem like circumstances (which can totally be set up by Satan sometimes) and mystical experience or feelings would be more reliable that God's Word when things got hard? Austin said it is like when our faith is bumping up against our flesh that we tend to look for other life lines. What an eye opener to even the word "calling". How really most of the time when we use that, we are meaning we had some experience or mystical feeling or circumstance or something and that means God wants us to do something. Instead of just reading His Word and realizing that He for real wants us to do something whether we "feel" like it or not. God has "called" us to do what's right, to share our faith, to take the gospel to those who haven't heard, to pray etc. But God is so great... oh how His grace is sufficient! The next day He spoke verse after verse to me and opened my eyes to this and gave me strength to trust Him and His Word more than anything else. Here's the verses He spoke to me regarding moving forward with this adoption. "But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed" 1 Pet. 4:13 "Let us not become weary in doing good" Gal. 6:9 "Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God-this is true worship." Heb. 12:2 "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." Rom. 8:18 "Whatever you do for the least of these you do for me." Mt 25:40 "For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out... who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord." Rom. 7:18, 24, 25 "You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly" (He took on physical infliction for the benefit of those who couldn't do anything about their condition. Through his suffering He freed us from what held us back from doing what were created to do-glorify HIm. Carrying this baby would give it life and give it opportunity to do what he or she was created to do-glorify God) "My grace is sufficient for you..." 2 Cor. 12:9 |
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