At the suggestion of a student I watched the movie First of May. It was about a little boy who at the age of 4 saw his father die in a car accident and for years was moved from foster home to foster home. A family finally wanted to adopt him but they got pregnant and he believed they wanted to send him away so he ends up running away. The only movie I have ever seen that was so depressing all the way through until the happy ending. Pretty waring on the emotions really.
But it exposed some of the fears I have related to this baby. It caused me to recognize my fear of my boys thinking I love this baby more because it is biological and how I never ever want them to think that.
And it caused me to recognize how I value perfection over Redemption. Let me explain. I get ignorant comments quite often. They dont bother me that much because I tend to be a pretty gracious person. But, if my boys were to hear them, that is a whole different story. For instance, the other day when I told someone I was pregnant they said "bet you wish you would have waited." I was in shock... trying to figure out what else they could mean by that. The next day as I told someone else the person next to them excitedly said "with her own" (as if my boys arnt my own.) If my boys heard either of those, how can a little mind discern these people are just a bit ignorant? They cant, and that is how lies get set in a heart. And that freaks me out. What about when they hear the comment "so which one is the 'real' one. This made me want to control everything they ever heard. I thought, "I have to be with them every second, so when they hear these stupid comments I can help them recognize them as lies." But the reality is, I can not be with them every second. I have to trust God with them.
God doesnt do things my way. If I had my way, everything would be perfect. There would be no pain, no suffering and no one would believe any lies. But He allows these awful things to show Himself as the great Redeemer. So, chances are my wonderful boys will believe lies and chances are I wont know what they are. But.... the hope is that God knows and He is using it for something greater. He will Redeem and even I will say that it was worth it.
Oh Lord, please help me value Your Redemption more than perfection. Help me trust You with my boys.