Soul Scratching Motherhood

So I do college ministry and have for many years. I have gone through seasons of frustration but overall I absolutely love that God put me where He did. I mean, I REALLY love it. It seems like all my gifts and desires are used and fulfilled by doing ministry. I love teaching God's Word and helping girls love and walk with Jesus more and see themselves as sent ones to the world.

And then there's parenting. I'm just gonna be real here with what I believe the hardest thing to bring into the open because of the good intention-ed but hurtful comments. So, I am asking now, as I bare my soul to please don't tell me how much I am going to miss this season and to enjoy it. And if you have that perfect kid who never disobeys please stop reading because I don't think it would be healthy for you or I if you kept reading. You're doing a great job, keep up the good work.

Ok, with that out of the way...
I'm just not a kid person. I went to school to be an elementary school teacher until I sat in on some classes and came home crying everyday because I hated it so much. I think kids are cute and love watching them sing in church performances and love to hear the cute things they say. And my kids, I am thankful God gave them to me and I love them so much. I would do anything for them. I can not wait to see what God has in store for them. And I love their little personalities. But if I had the choice to hang out with college students or watch a classroom full of 3 year olds, I would choose the college students.  

Online it seems like everyone who has kids just loves being a mom, so I have never thought about talking about this, since I thought no one could relate. Then a sweet friend of mine got in touch with me to ask how I did it all. She thought I was this model wife, mother and missionary, and was overcome by her inability, and frusterated by not enjoying being a mother. I shared with her that I struggle being a mom. I don't wake up every morning excited I get to be a mom. Because the reality is I spend my days having whining scratch my soul (the feeling of nails on a chalk board, except on my soul) 90% of the day and discipline 75% of the day. Not exactly the dream job.

I had a misconception that everyone enjoys their kids so much and  thought I was a freak. A few weeks ago I had to ask my accountability partners to pray for me to actually like being a mom and to enjoy the season God has me in. Since then I have had moments of joy but I was honestly questioning if kids really were what the Lord had wanted for me "What if I was suppose to be single and never have kids. Maybe that's why I could never get pregnant in the first place. Maybe I talked God into giving us kids." I knew that wasn't true, but the thought crossed my mind. It's embarrassing to admit, but that is where I was at. But the Lord, In His grace helped me see that if He honestly didn't want me to have kids, He would have told me and aligned my desires to His at that time. I was walking with Him and He is totally capable of showing me that if that had been the case. So, here I am, realizing God really does want me in this soul scratching place.I exist for His pleasure and sometimes that might be at the expense of mine. 

But for now I need to make sure I am getting an outlet. Getting on campus to disciple girls was my outlet two afternoons a week and Saturday afternoons from 1-4 Austin stays with the kids so I can have time to be alone. I get my energy from being alone and I've learned I do not function well without it. If I am around people all the time, I can't sustain a ministry to people, my kids, husband or college students. It seems that so often something comes up on Saturday afternoons and I have to remind Austin how much I need those few hours and how valuable that time for both of us. (This alone time is not my time with the Lord. Have that in the morning before kids get up. I would seriously go crazy without that.) 

So, if you can relate, know that you are not alone and that God is pleased with this season. A season of opening our eyes to how desperate we are for Him. A season of realizing life is not about us, but about Him. A season of refinement. And He will be with us every moment (Because isn't it really moment by moment we need Him. lol. I never really understood a moment until being a mom of young boys. Now, thinking in terms of days in terms of patience seems crazy) each step of the way.

And this picture, a example of what I'm talking about. Don't they look like such non-wild kids who sat there for 3 hours painting. Well, the reality is they sat there for approximately 60 seconds and then the paint was all over Eden's hair and Uriah was running off to the next activity. lol


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