I've had a saying that I tell people who talk about how they are freaked out about having kids, "Well, when God wants babies, God wants babies!!"
So, I am just going to be vulnerable. I want babies. I secretly was hoping for a honeymoon baby once Malcolm and I got married. But that was just not God’s plan.
I had surgery on my ovaries this past summer because they were too big for my abdomen (my doctor told me one was the size of a grapefruit). In my post op appointment, she said I either needed to get on birth control or get pregnant in the next 6 months. I needed no other encouragement!!
But that was not God’s plan either.
The first month of trying went from so much excitement to extreme disappointment. And then the next month, and then the month as well. I kept asking God, “Why is a baby not your plan us right now? You gave Sarah, Hannah, and Elizabeth babies – why can’t you do the impossible with my womb too?” There have been times within the past few months where I couldn’t even look at pregnant women in Wal-mart because I was going to burst into tears!
Finally God got through to me with what I needed to hear – truth.
In a booklet my ministry uses to share the gospel called, Would you like to know God personally? point one says, “God loves you and created you to know Him personally. He has a wonderful plan for your life.” God kept bringing this to mind, asking me,
“Do you believe that I really have a wonderful plan for your life? Or do you think I have a mediocre, stupid plan for your life?”
“Of course you have a wonderful plan, Lord!” I would reply back.
“Do you believe that I really have a wonderful plan for your life?” He would echo back.
That’s when I realized how important that in all areas of my life, especially this one, I need to keep going back to truth. I can’t rely on my feelings. I can recognize my desires for a baby and to be a mom, my hurt for it not happening in my timing or that it could not happen at all – but if I trust my feelings over the truth that God lays out in scripture I will become bitter, angry, resentful, and distrusting of God to come through.
Maybe you are struggling with those same feelings with me today. Feeling like things are not happening. You are longing for good things – babies, oversea opportunities to share the gospel, finances to come through, etc. I found that there is one thing to do when you are about to fall into despair – go back to the truth! Does God truly know you? Psalm 139:1-16 claims that He does know you far better than you can even know yourself! Does God truly have a wonderful plan for your life? Jeremiah 29:11-14 claims that He has plans to prosper you, to give you hope and that give you a future!
Now the real question is – do you believe that?
Dear Lord Jesus, I admit that I don’t always believe that you know what’s best for me. I don’t always trust that you understand my situation. I honestly don’t know why you’re not allowing us to have kids naturally at this particular point in time. I ask, like the little boy’s father asked in Mark 9:24, help me in the areas where I don’t believe the truth. Thank you for your truth and for being THE Truth for life! I don’t deserve you love, mercy, and complete forgiveness from sin – but I am eternally grateful that you extend it all!! Help my perspective be centered around that truth more than anything! In your name I pray…
Leah works with Master Plan Ministries at Fort Lewis College in Durango, CO. Other than watching college students' lives change, she enjoys getting her mind blown by God and His Word, watching sci fi, baking cupcakes, and spending time with her hunky husband.
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