I've had a saying that I tell people who talk about how they are freaked out about having kids, "Well, when God wants babies, God wants babies!!" So, I am just going to be vulnerable. I want babies. I secretly was hoping for a honeymoon baby once Malcolm and I got married. But that was just not God’s plan. I had surgery on my ovaries this past summer because they were too big for my abdomen (my doctor told me one was the size of a grapefruit). In my post op appointment, she said I either needed to get on birth control or get pregnant in the next 6 months. I needed no other encouragement!! But that was not God’s plan either. The first month of trying went from so much excitement to extreme disappointment. And then the next month, and then the month as well. I kept asking God, “Why is a baby not your plan us right now? You gave Sarah, Hannah, and Elizabeth babies – why can’t you do the impossible with my womb too?” There have been times within the past few months where I couldn’t even look at pregnant women in Wal-mart because I was going to burst into tears! Finally God got through to me with what I needed to hear – truth. In a booklet my ministry uses to share the gospel called, Would you like to know God personally? point one says, “God loves you and created you to know Him personally. He has a wonderful plan for your life.” God kept bringing this to mind, asking me, “Do you believe that I really have a wonderful plan for your life? Or do you think I have a mediocre, stupid plan for your life?” “Of course you have a wonderful plan, Lord!” I would reply back. “Do you believe that I really have a wonderful plan for your life?” He would echo back. That’s when I realized how important that in all areas of my life, especially this one, I need to keep going back to truth. I can’t rely on my feelings. I can recognize my desires for a baby and to be a mom, my hurt for it not happening in my timing or that it could not happen at all – but if I trust my feelings over the truth that God lays out in scripture I will become bitter, angry, resentful, and distrusting of God to come through. Maybe you are struggling with those same feelings with me today. Feeling like things are not happening. You are longing for good things – babies, oversea opportunities to share the gospel, finances to come through, etc. I found that there is one thing to do when you are about to fall into despair – go back to the truth! Does God truly know you? Psalm 139:1-16 claims that He does know you far better than you can even know yourself! Does God truly have a wonderful plan for your life? Jeremiah 29:11-14 claims that He has plans to prosper you, to give you hope and that give you a future! Now the real question is – do you believe that? Dear Lord Jesus, I admit that I don’t always believe that you know what’s best for me. I don’t always trust that you understand my situation. I honestly don’t know why you’re not allowing us to have kids naturally at this particular point in time. I ask, like the little boy’s father asked in Mark 9:24, help me in the areas where I don’t believe the truth. Thank you for your truth and for being THE Truth for life! I don’t deserve you love, mercy, and complete forgiveness from sin – but I am eternally grateful that you extend it all!! Help my perspective be centered around that truth more than anything! In your name I pray… About Leah![]() Leah works with Master Plan Ministries at Fort Lewis College in Durango, CO. Other than watching college students' lives change, she enjoys getting her mind blown by God and His Word, watching sci fi, baking cupcakes, and spending time with her hunky husband. Sharing this over at these awesome blogs
11 Comments
2/24/2014 01:46:40 pm
That's the challenge--getting on board with His plan. His plan is perfect, yet sometimes, it doesn't line up with mine and I'm the foolish one wanting things my way. But His way is always perfect. I've been reading Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow with our ladies Bible study and it really speaks to these areas, echoing the same things you've just touched upon. Found you via Cornerstone Confessions.
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Leah Hillewaert
2/25/2014 03:50:29 am
Even though I wrote this, Gaby, it still hit me last night how little I allow God's truth over my wants and desires! Praying for you (for both of us) to fully trust God today in the areas that are hard to trust Him in! Thanks for dropping by!
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Must be something in the Colorado air because I and many of my friends have been feeling the same, which is why we're spending a week in prayer and fasting for each other's requests. It's almost the half way point, but you're still welcome to join us! We'd love to pray for you as you seek contentment in God's will and to lift up your fertility struggles too! (Here's the info from my blog: http://www.modernishhomemaker.com/2014/02/for-such-time-as-this-season-of-prayer.html)
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Leah
2/27/2014 03:44:47 am
Thanks Amy! I finally got the time to stop by and read how I can be specifically praying for you and your future as well! I tried to leave a comment, but I'm a little computer illerterate at times. Always appreciate prayer!
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2/26/2014 02:33:05 am
Good word. I sometimes get down on myself and think maybe I'm nuts to think that God could use me! Or that He has a good plan. My growing up history left me reeling and constantly anxious and waiting for the next shoe to drop. I have not fully recovered from that way of thinking. It is a constant daily struggle to grasp His love and kindness for me. And to remember that just because something good happens, doesn't always mean something awful is on it's way. Thank you for sharing your story. I will be praying for you and your future family :)
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Leah
2/27/2014 03:49:24 am
Oh Melinda! Thank you for sharing in God's truth with me! Here are some verses God has been using in my life recently, specifically in this area that I shared above, that I hope can encourage you.
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2/28/2014 09:05:30 am
I have been in the long wait, too, sister. But rest in the fact that God does, indeed, have a plan. A good one. One that you will some day look back over and say "Thank you for YOUR wisdom, not mine." I say this knowing that where you sit right now, it may sting just a little. But I waited for six years ... and then adopted three children, and gave birth to two in under 5!
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3/4/2014 07:07:39 am
Thank you for sharing this truth; it's exactly what I needed to read. I've been struggling with wanting another baby and feeling guilty for wanting a #2... I'm asking God to work in my heart and change me to be in line with His Will. I seriously need to memorize Psalm 139!!!
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Rach D
3/4/2014 07:33:29 am
Thanks for sharing so openly and honestly...I can only imagine what a hard journey it's been for you & your spouse. I totally agree with God having an individual plan for us: we can never compare our journeys with another :)
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Leah Hillewaert
3/4/2014 01:14:49 pm
Thank you so much Heather, Amy and Rachael! I appreciate your prayers and know that I am praying for each one of you as well! I can't wait to know how God will work out His plans for each of you as well.
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Just a word of encouragement--I understand where you are. I was there myself. My husband struggled with infertility for six years and it was so very hard! Our son (whom we adopted) was born a week and a half after our sixth anniversary and in the first moment I held him, I knew why God had asked us to wait--we were waiting for our son to be ready to be born! Our son now has 3 little sisters. I know God may very well have different plans for you, but I wanted to encourage you that whatever plan He has for you in this will be well worth the wait! :)
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