I went to the doctor expecting to find cancer. But instead she walks in with this little stick with some lines….
“Uh…. What’s that?” I asked sounding not very smooth.
“It’s positive!” She responds.
God, what the heck?! I gave babies over to you! Months ago!! I was so looking forward to adopting. I thought that it was actually good timing that I wasn’t with all the changes with becoming campus directors and hopefully buying a house this year. I thought since I would be the main women on campus it was GOOD that I didn’t have kids because then I could do more of what YOU want me to do on campus. Wasn’t that your plan??
Once again, just like what God was teaching me when I struggled with not having kids naturally, GOD has a wonderful plan. Did I believe it?
Even after a positive test, I still didn’t believe those medical professionals telling me I was pregnant. “My body is weird, I must be reacting oddly to rupturing that cyst in June… That must be it. My body makes big cysts, not little babies.”
But then I saw the little peanut! All I could do was laugh!! I think I understand a little bit how Sarah felt. Like, “No joke! For real there is a baby in there!” I would laugh, and my belly and baby would move identically on the screen – this wasn’t a joke. This was real!
If anything has been reiterated more in my mind since we found out about our itty bitty Hillie it’s this – GOD has a plan. God creates life. GOD is in control. GOD DOES have a wonderful plan that simply just not my own plan. Because the point to our own lives isn’t to make US happy and comfortable, but to make much of GOD! Can He do that with struggling to have babies? Absolutely! Can He do that when you’re starring parenthood in the eyes? Absolutely! Because the point isn’t a lack or an abundance of babies – the point is God!
I kept thinking that once I was pregnant I would be so filled with joy and it would complete something in me. Like something in my walk with God would suddenly click on because my mothering genes finally get to be put to use. But that’s not necessarily true. I truly am so excited for this blessing of a baby! There are times I look at my belly and just marvel at this miracle in there. But at the same time, I still have the same struggles I had when I wasn’t pregnant. I still need to daily rely on God for the energy I need to make it through the day. I still need to spend time with God, and I still need to trust God that He has a plan. It’s not like I don’t have struggles like when I was facing infertility – I now just have new struggles.
And you know what? I’m so glad! I’m glad that God in His infinite wisdom tests and tries us so we have to trust Him. I’m glad that we don’t just reach this point of trusting God to where He rewards us with all the things we ever wanted. He blesses us because He’s a good and gracious God. And He blesses us by not giving us good things at certain times. I’m glad that God wants to show off when He chooses to and not when I throw a fit. Overall, I’m just really glad God does things His way, don’t you?
Dear Lord, Thank you for having a plan that I have to trust you with! Thank you for making it to where I have to keep trusting you regardless of the circumstances in life. Thank you for the three years where Malcolm and I got to be just us, and thank you for the years ahead the we get as parents. I pray for my friends out there who are struggling with infertility that you will comfort them and bring them the truth of the joy in their situation right now. I pray that we all, regardless of children, will be focused on You and Your mighty plan. In Your name I pray…
Leah works with Master Plan Ministries at Fort Lewis College in Durango, CO. Other than watching college students' lives change, she enjoys getting her mind blown by God and His Word, watching sci fi, baking cupcakes, and spending time with her hunky husband.
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